The Fear of Love

The greatest fear that exists... And that is not what I was planning to talk about today. On the contrary, I was going to talk about Love, for my heart was singing in joy as I learned this morning about a wonderful baby boy who was born to dear friends of mine last night. What a blessing! I know just how much he is loved here, and I know that his life is to be joyous.

And how could it happen that at the same time I witnessed the result of letting the greatest fear on this planet to guide someone’s life?

When parents let a fear for their children’s well being to be the guide, they become overly protective, pushy, and plainly suffocating for the kids. Children learn well. So, they evolve into adults who worry about their kids, as well as their parents. As a result, none of the sides can live and express themselves freely. They develop unhealthy co-dependency, a symbiosis that only appears as mutually beneficial.

The same is true about the keystone of all relationships: a relationship with oneself. Each of us is a unique symbiosis of an inner parent, inner child, and an adult. When the inner relationships are love based, one is open for personal growth by allowing experience of all the feelings, whether those bring joy and happiness, or sorrow and confusion. It is a joy to be able to feel, to be a Human. A true feeling needs not to be translated into actions of any sort. There is always an open choice as how to experience it in one's life. And when you live in your heart, you will never hurt yourself or another. You most certainly will, however, by choosing to go into a fear.

When the choice is made to reject love, it is rarely a conscious choice. The fear of love is so powerful that it literally keeps one blind. A mental list of why-I-am-better-off-without is usually created out of a need to rationalize the decision. Those “reasons” will seem as clever to the author who is in fear as they will sound foolish to you, a listener with an open heart.

An image of a triangle appeared in front of my eyes as I was reflecting on a story I became a witness today. Somehow, triangular shapes keep showing up on the pictures I was taking lately: cracks in stones, clouds in the skies, frost on the airplane window… All of those have a commonality, though; the shapes remind that of an hourglass, with no bottoms on both sides.

Prof. Robert Sternberg, a prominent psychologist and currently the Dean of Arts and Sciences at Tufts University who spent many years at Yale where I had an honor to learn a few valuable lessons from him, contributed a triangular theory of love to the field. The theory characterizes love within the context of relationships by three different components: intimacy, passion, and commitment. He theorizes that an ideal relationship - consummate love - includes all three components. He also describes six more types of love relationships when friendship, for example, occurs when only intimacy is present. The relationship created by nothing but a commitment he labels empty love. Graphically, it is represented by a triangle; hence, the name. The six different types of love are pictured at the corners and sides, with the perfect love safely secluded in the middle.

According to Sternberg's theory, our story here would be an ideal love relationship. There was a great deal of connectedness and understanding, i.e., intimacy, there was a willingness to commit despite the apparent obscurity, and there was Passion I thought existed only in literature. Wherever they went, people kept looking at them, mesmerized. It cannot be faked; it was true love.

And then, suddenly, it crushed.

It did not even produce a big bang; it just sank into something viscous and colorless. And just by observing the process, I realized a lot. (Well, no worries, we helped the people, too. They are going to be just fine, now, when the worst is behind.) Yet the case is not closed, for it is just too common in our world.

Multiple people and relationships are marching in front of me; I watch silently. An amazingly attractive woman becomes a controlling, inflexible, nearly offensive person carrying more masculine energy that she can afford. An incredibly brave and strong man all of a sudden behaves like a rabbit. A very witty person refuses to see that there has been no passion of any sort in the marital love relationship for years, and the spouse is meekly in love with the best friend. A person with unquestionable integrity, well respected by many, suddenly breaks all the promises…

Enough is enough. We know by now how to recognize the fear of love. As such, we are just a single leap from reaching the ground where we accept our feelings for what they are, where we can be true to self, where we can trust our heart. Are we ready for the leap?

For those who understand, it is the fear of love that caused Atlantis to sink for as many times as it did. Add one more, for it just sank once again after emerging as a crystal tower exactly two weeks ago. Did not last too long, this one. And I also realized what was it about Thoth, the god, who betrayed the Mother of All That Is and Isis as one of Her embodiments on Earth: that same fear of love. He was all-powerful, and yet the fear was mightier. Be aware; choose for yourself.

Today is a good day to choose. This morning, at 4:44 a.m. PT (7:44 a.m. ET), the nature started a new page. The spring equinox can be perceived as a moment of staying in balance. Why not to choose it to be a continuous state of being? Life is about balance – create it, live it, enjoy it!

And today, as we welcome a new person into our world, let’s make it a beautiful one indeed. Welcome, Max! We love you, and that love is All That Is. May you trust your heart all ways, live fully, and love fearlessly.